How do I even begin to describe what the past year has been like without you my precious, baby girl? Mommy had longed for, hoped, prayed, wished, planned, dreamt of and visualized you years before God blessed you in my womb. You were my reason for living, my hope, my joy…. my life! How unfair that we had to say goodbye so abruptly after our exclusive, nearly-perfect journey together! How unfair that I’ve had to learn to accept it! Our time together was a brief moment of my life, but you truly changed Mommy forever!

I pray you felt my deep love for you while we were one. I pray you know your father and I were anxious to meet you. Mommy was prepared to move the tallest mountain for you, or swim across the deepest sea. You motivated me like nothing else ever has. With you I felt unstoppable, empowered; I felt like a warrior! How did you do that my delicate, 6lb 15oz baby? You rocked my world like no one ever has! Your valiant spirit owns me and continues to encourage me. The love we shared brought color to my world. I am more alive today because I had you. You will always be Mommy’s greatest blessing.

Until that beautiful day when I will be reunited with you, Mommy is trying desperately to make you and our Heavenly Father proud. My only wish in life was to be your Mommy and to raise you, but this past year I have tried effortlessly to find an alternate path. I admit, nothing else has sparked my interest nearly as much as when I discovered I was pregnant with you, back on June 13, 2019. Nonetheless, my spirit is relentless in my pursuit to find joy again. Here’s how my first year without you has been:

Mommy was surrounded by an abundance of love and support after I received the heart-shattering news. I felt very safe and was able to take my time to mourn. My grief over your death has been an unpredictable rollercoaster. The first few months, I tried very hard to dismiss my overwhelmingly sad emotions. Mommy worked a lot! I flew all over our covid-infested country, only to get to a fabulous destination and realize I still missed you. I couldn’t escape you. So Mommy began to sit with the uncomfortable sadness and amazingly the sadness eventually turned into deep gratitude. How did that happen? How does sadness become gratitude? I definitely don’t feel thankful that you’re not here; I actually feel the opposite, I’m extremely envious that you’re not here! My gratitude connects more with your existence… and how having you and losing you drastically altered the way I see the world. Losing you STRUCK MY CORE, making me question nearly everything about my beliefs.

Living without you has been extremely difficult but not knowing why I have to live without you has been the most challenging thing for me. I try not to question “why?”, it hurts too much, but I’m not the only one who wonders “why?”. To no fault of their own, many people try to also draw conclusions why you died unexpectedly, because everyone wanted you here Eva! It hurts that the reason you were taken is unknown. Our human understanding typically implies fault of some sort, and that hurts Mommy so much. Of course it still lingers in my mind,… “What did I do wrong?”

The unknown exhausts Mommy and, although I inquire, none of us on Earth know anything for certain. Superstition and convoluted interpretations of faith disrupt my peace of knowing you are safe with our good Lord. ONLY GOD KNOWS the reason why you aren’t here with us! You, God and I are truly the only ones who know anything about your death. Even our experienced medical staff weren’t able to tell me with certainty what happened to you! The last night I remember feeling you kick was after I came home from our last check-up (2 days before I learned you were stillborn). Mommy was SUPER EMOTIONAL that night because after our long 39 weeks and 3 days Mommy just wanted you in my arms, but our doctor refused to induce me! I was on the phone with your God Daddy and you were kicking like never before. You were kicking repeatedly and doing flips, it was extremely unusual for you! How could Mommy have suspected anything? I was told that you were “still doing well” earlier that same day! ….. but….. in hindsight…. I believe you were suffocating that night, my baby 💔….. If Mommy did anything wrong, Mommy was an ignorant fool! I tried so hard to do everything right, my angel. I followed ALL the instructions from our doctors. We had a healthy pregnancy and I thought we were in the clear! Mommy is so sorry for not being hyper-vigilant through our final stretch. I don’t think people realize that “the unknown” is the actual cross I bear; it’s not just your absence. I carry the burden of the unknown, and how your death has caused pain for many others, every single day. 💔 It feels so unfair!

In an effort to sustain peace in my life and build a new chapter, Mommy moved to the state of Utah during the first week of 2021. I feel closer to you and God here…. something about the close proximity of the gorgeous mountains (which I get to marvel at directly from my balcony). I also needed solitude with my thoughts of you. Being here has been incredibly healing; Mommy is doing well!

Mommy started feeling like her pre-pregnancy self around our 9th month of separation. I am grateful we stayed healthy together my little love. Mama bounced back fiercely and I’m proud of the Goddess curves you gave me.

Mommy is still very heartbroken over my relationship with your dad. I haven’t yet found the courage to open my heart again. My fresh start in Utah has awoken my desire for fun, which I am so grateful for! My grief process has consumed me for so long, I often wondered if I would ever smile again. Your Mama is resilient and you certainly made Mommy a much stronger person; physically, emotionally, spiritually, morally and mentally. I believe you and God are working hard to bring an equally strong man in my life. 🙏🏽 Someone who is willing to love me unconditionally and honor you with me. You know Mama’s heart better than anyone; I trust you’re guiding me in the divine direction.

Just as any Mother feels after 1 entire year….. I am absolutely in awe how you have changed my life. I celebrate you today my darling, beautiful Evita! Your one year also feels like a victory for me because I believe I’ve made it through the thickest part of my grief. But, of course, I’ll still have my moments…. which I’ll happily continue to discuss on our blog.

1 year down, and the rest of my life to go. I love you always my precious baby girl, Eva Jiselle!

Sending you my deepest love,

Your proud, grateful and always hopeful Mama

N + E= True Love! ❤❤❤