How do I even begin to describe what the past year has been like without you my precious, baby girl? Mommy had longed for, hoped, prayed, wished, planned, dreamt of and visualized you years before God blessed you in my womb. You were my reason for living, my hope, my joy…. my life! How unfair that we had to say goodbye so abruptly after our exclusive, nearly-perfect journey together! How unfair that I’ve had to learn to accept it! Our time together was a brief moment of my life, but you truly changed Mommy forever!

I pray you felt my deep love for you while we were one. I pray you know your father and I were anxious to meet you. Mommy was prepared to move the tallest mountain for you, or swim across the deepest sea. You motivated me like nothing else ever has. With you I felt unstoppable, empowered; I felt like a warrior! How did you do that my delicate, 6lb 15oz baby? You rocked my world like no one ever has! Your valiant spirit owns me and continues to encourage me. The love we shared brought color to my world. I am more alive today because I had you. You will always be Mommy’s greatest blessing.

Until that beautiful day when I will be reunited with you, Mommy is trying desperately to make you and our Heavenly Father proud. My only wish in life was to be your Mommy and to raise you, but this past year I have tried effortlessly to find an alternate path. I admit, nothing else has sparked my interest nearly as much as when I discovered I was pregnant with you, back on June 13, 2019. Nonetheless, my spirit is relentless in my pursuit to find joy again. Here’s how my first year without you has been:

Mommy was surrounded by an abundance of love and support after I received the heart-shattering news. I felt very safe and was able to take my time to mourn. My grief over your death has been an unpredictable rollercoaster. The first few months, I tried very hard to dismiss my overwhelmingly sad emotions. Mommy worked a lot! I flew all over our covid-infested country, only to get to a fabulous destination and realize I still missed you. I couldn’t escape you. So Mommy began to sit with the uncomfortable sadness and amazingly the sadness eventually turned into deep gratitude. How did that happen? How does sadness become gratitude? I definitely don’t feel thankful that you’re not here; I actually feel the opposite, I’m extremely envious that you’re not here! My gratitude connects more with your existence… and how having you and losing you drastically altered the way I see the world. Losing you STRUCK MY CORE, making me question nearly everything about my beliefs.

Living without you has been extremely difficult but not knowing why I have to live without you has been the most challenging thing for me. I try not to question “why?”, it hurts too much, but I’m not the only one who wonders “why?”. To no fault of their own, many people try to also draw conclusions why you died unexpectedly, because everyone wanted you here Eva! It hurts that the reason you were taken is unknown. Our human understanding typically implies fault of some sort, and that hurts Mommy so much. Of course it still lingers in my mind,… “What did I do wrong?”

The unknown exhausts Mommy and, although I inquire, none of us on Earth know anything for certain. Superstition and convoluted interpretations of faith disrupt my peace of knowing you are safe with our good Lord. ONLY GOD KNOWS the reason why you aren’t here with us! You, God and I are truly the only ones who know anything about your death. Even our experienced medical staff weren’t able to tell me with certainty what happened to you! The last night I remember feeling you kick was after I came home from our last check-up (2 days before I learned you were stillborn). Mommy was SUPER EMOTIONAL that night because after our long 39 weeks and 3 days Mommy just wanted you in my arms, but our doctor refused to induce me! I was on the phone with your God Daddy and you were kicking like never before. You were kicking repeatedly and doing flips, it was extremely unusual for you! How could Mommy have suspected anything? I was told that you were “still doing well” earlier that same day! ….. but….. in hindsight…. I believe you were suffocating that night, my baby 💔….. If Mommy did anything wrong, Mommy was an ignorant fool! I tried so hard to do everything right, my angel. I followed ALL the instructions from our doctors. We had a healthy pregnancy and I thought we were in the clear! Mommy is so sorry for not being hyper-vigilant through our final stretch. I don’t think people realize that “the unknown” is the actual cross I bear; it’s not just your absence. I carry the burden of the unknown, and how your death has caused pain for many others, every single day. 💔 It feels so unfair!

In an effort to sustain peace in my life and build a new chapter, Mommy moved to the state of Utah during the first week of 2021. I feel closer to you and God here…. something about the close proximity of the gorgeous mountains (which I get to marvel at directly from my balcony). I also needed solitude with my thoughts of you. Being here has been incredibly healing; Mommy is doing well!

Mommy started feeling like her pre-pregnancy self around our 9th month of separation. I am grateful we stayed healthy together my little love. Mama bounced back fiercely and I’m proud of the Goddess curves you gave me.

Mommy is still very heartbroken over my relationship with your dad. I haven’t yet found the courage to open my heart again. My fresh start in Utah has awoken my desire for fun, which I am so grateful for! My grief process has consumed me for so long, I often wondered if I would ever smile again. Your Mama is resilient and you certainly made Mommy a much stronger person; physically, emotionally, spiritually, morally and mentally. I believe you and God are working hard to bring an equally strong man in my life. 🙏🏽 Someone who is willing to love me unconditionally and honor you with me. You know Mama’s heart better than anyone; I trust you’re guiding me in the divine direction.

Just as any Mother feels after 1 entire year….. I am absolutely in awe how you have changed my life. I celebrate you today my darling, beautiful Evita! Your one year also feels like a victory for me because I believe I’ve made it through the thickest part of my grief. But, of course, I’ll still have my moments…. which I’ll happily continue to discuss on our blog.

1 year down, and the rest of my life to go. I love you always my precious baby girl, Eva Jiselle!

Sending you my deepest love,

Your proud, grateful and always hopeful Mama

N + E= True Love! ❤❤❤

I pushed myself to meet a deadline to write today. The seasons are changing and with them my grieving process has recently shifted. Thoughts of my daughter are still very persistent, but I find myself thinking more and more about her father too.

Robert Emmett O’Leary, the second subject of my grief.

If you don’t already know, Eva’s father and I are now, regretfully, divorced. In the great state of Minnesota it took less than 2 weeks to process the paperwork and finalize the severance of our short-lived marriage. Like many, our story had a multitude of ups and downs. But, if I’m to be specific, the past 366 days have been the most challenging.

I promise I will explain our story as I continue to process my emotions about my ex-husband. For now, I wanted to share photos from our small, but very beautiful wedding. Because his parents didn’t attend our “California” wedding I felt guilty to share our photos on social media after we were married. In hindsight, I’m not even sure why I cared as much as I did…

Viewing our wedding photos brings tears to my eyes. I loved my husband. He truly was my closest friend when I married him and our Evita was conceived in love. I’ve spent many months processing the loss of our daughter but the season has come for me to process the loss of my marriage too. 💔

God is molding me into an incredibly fierce warrior!

October 2020 has been an emotionally heavy month for me, so far. As you noticed in my previous post, I have been dealing with some anger regarding the death of my daughter. There are so many questions unanswered and it is very difficult to deal with at times. Your unyielding support continues to get me through and I am very thankful for you all.

In addition to that, I recently discovered a new source of support that is perfectly located in Southern California. The name of the organization is Forever Footprints and I was re-introduced to them by a friend from high school. After I had Eva, the nurses had put a hat on her little head. The tag on the hat showed it was donated from Forever Footprints and I was probably in too much shock at the time to think anything of it. It hadn’t occurred to me that their organization had support groups for women and families with similar experiences to mine. God is good ya’ll! I immediately connected with them on Facebook and started getting notifications for their upcoming virtual group meetings. I attended my first one today.

None of us in the group ever imagined we’d suffer such tramatic, painful loss but I believe we all draw strength from one another. I look forward to growing closer to the other bereaved mothers. 💔

So, that was how I started my day. I shed a couple tears with the other mothers but I found comfort in knowing I am not alone in my suffering. After the meeting ended I took myself for a walk. On my walk I realized that I haven’t yet posted much about my travels… and that’s what I mostly wanted this blog to be about! Eva inspires me to write during my travels, so I hope to shift my focus a bit going forward. (Having a brand new phone and AWESOME new camera will help a lot too!)

I landed in Raleigh-Durham last night around 9:30pm. I’m here on a 31 hour layover. This is my second time here. We stay in Chapel Hill, which is located near to UNC. It is absolutely charming here!

I have often dreamt of living in a cute, quiet town like this, especially during Fall! I leave all options open to the Lord. If it is His will to lead me somewhere new again, I will go. I am mostly drawn to the architecture here. I love homes that are beaming with character!

I came across the photos from Eva’s funeral and I remembered what a very dear friend told me on Mother’s Day this year. Her mom, Yolanda, had also experienced full-term pregnancy loss, many years ago. His name was Jesse. My friend, Rachel, told me that her mom used to always say:

“They [our children in Heaven] are planted on Earth to bloom in Heaven”.

She comforted me with those words. She reminded me that my baby’s death wasn’t in vain: Eva is working miracles from Heaven this very moment.

In addition to that, we are blessed with beautiful reminders of her here on Earth. Below are photos of the gorgeous, colorful plants dedicated to Eva, for all to appreciate. I thank God for all the love and support you all continue to show me. Thank you so very much! 💕🙏🏽

I had the absolute pleasure of meeting beautiful, little Maddy Allison last week. Maddy is 5 months old here, approximately 1 month younger than Eva would be. Looking into Maddy’s gorgeous, little blue eyes felt like I was looking into Heaven. She is perfect! 💗🙏🏽

It took me 5 months to find the courage to meet Maddy. I naturally had a strong desire to meet her shortly after she was born but I was afraid seeing her would trigger some painful emotions. By God’s amazing grace, the moment I saw Maddy my heart instantly filled with love; there was no room for fear! And holding her gave me a renewed sense of hope. Why did I wait so long?!!

Spending time with Maddy was a bit surreal. I tried to imagine myself mothering Eva at 5 months old. I wondered what kind of mother I would be by now. Ashley, Maddy’s mama, made everything look SO EASY! I wondered how Eva would look at me, how much she would weigh, how often she would smile, how vocal she would be, how many naps she would take each day, if I’d still be breastfeeding her and how changing her diaper would be. There are many things about mothering that I’m still very much looking forward to the next time around.🙏🏽😍💟

Maddy’s amazing mama, Ashley, and I met in our “Mamas y Bebes” class while we were both pregnant and we instantly became close friends.

“Ashley, thank you for all your amazing love and support. As a mama who was full of the same pregnancy hormones, you knew precisely how to (literally) hold my hand through planning and attending Eva’s funeral. Since then, you’ve been like a sister to me. I will always cherish how much detail and love you put into tailoring Eva’s Heaven dress so she’d look her best to be with God. Thank you so much!”

The inception of this site came to me about a month ago. My amazing cousin, Dominique, encouraged me one night to start journaling my unrelenting thoughts. I thought I was being doomed to a pen and paper but after much contemplation I realized how brilliant and loving her suggestion was. I have jotted many sporadic thoughts over the years, but nothing with a consistent theme where I was truly inspired to write. Travel forEva is dedicated to the memory of my daughter, Eva Jiselle, and is inspired through all my travel while working and for pleasure. Thank you to every single one of you reading this! Your amazing support through my heart-aching motherhood journey has been tremendous. I would not have come this far without you all. 🙏🏽❤

As you know, I am a bereaved mother. My beautiful, angelic, precious daughter was pronounced stillborn the night I thought I was in labor. My womb had been her home for 39 weeks and 6 days (1 day shy of her due date). Carrying her was the greatest joy I have EVER experienced, but losing her has been my deepest, darkest sorrow. It’s been over 6 months without her, and I still think about her every single day. The pain has been greater than any lost love before her and I will never be the same person.

Grief continues to carry me through the widest range of emotions. One moment I am comforted by God’s grace, the next I am steaming with rage. If ever there were a time in my life where I felt absolutely out of mind, this is certainly it. And amazingly, you all are still here by my side. God has blessed me in my darkest hour.

If this blog site is a success, I pray that my experiences and insight may, at the least, encourage you the same way many of you have encouraged me. It’s taken me about 6 months to truly accept my new reality. Although what I have been through is undeniably sad I am determined to “keep on keeping on” because I refuse to let sadness, disappointment, discouragement, heartache and self-pity win! Blogging is meant to be a tool to help me heal, but if my words could also bring positivity and light in your life, then I am honored and blessed.

With all that being said, a little disclaimer:

I am the author and editor of this site. There will be typos and grammatical errors, don’t judge me! It’s been over 10 years since I graduated from college. I apologize in advance if you find my words or content obscene. Try as I might, not all my emotions are processed well. This is meant to be like a journal, after all. And before I close out my very first blog, I need to shout a HUGE thank you to my incredible brother, Jonathan! I am smart, but not smart enough to code this beautiful site together. Jonathan and Jehu, you guys have offered me the greatest gift and I thank you from the bottom of my recovering heart. 💖