“Mama will always love you and miss you for the rest of my life.” Eva Jiselle O’Leary-Jean is buried in Ontario, CA.March 9, 2020. (Pre-covid by the grace of God!) 17 days after I delivered her. 💔
I came across the photos from Eva’s funeral and I remembered what a very dear friend told me on Mother’s Day this year. Her mom, Yolanda, had also experienced full-term pregnancy loss, many years ago. His name was Jesse. My friend, Rachel, told me that her mom used to always say:
“They [our children in Heaven] are planted on Earth to bloom in Heaven”.
She comforted me with those words. She reminded me that my baby’s death wasn’t in vain: Eva is working miracles from Heaven this very moment.
In addition to that, we are blessed with beautiful reminders of her here on Earth. Below are photos of the gorgeous, colorful plants dedicated to Eva, for all to appreciate. I thank God for all the love and support you all continue to show me. Thank you so very much! 💕🙏🏽
Eva’s tree in San Leandro, CA. Thank you Auntie Joyce! ❤🙏🏽Eva’s garden in Farmington, MN. Thank you Shannon! 💗🙏🏽
I had the absolute pleasure of meeting beautiful, little Maddy Allison last week. Maddy is 5 months old here, approximately 1 month younger than Eva would be. Looking into Maddy’s gorgeous, little blue eyes felt like I was looking into Heaven. She is perfect! 💗🙏🏽
It took me 5 months to find the courage to meet Maddy. I naturally had a strong desire to meet her shortly after she was born but I was afraid seeing her would trigger some painful emotions. By God’s amazing grace, the moment I saw Maddy my heart instantly filled with love; there was no room for fear! And holding her gave me a renewed sense of hope. Why did I wait so long?!!
Spending time with Maddy was a bit surreal. I tried to imagine myself mothering Eva at 5 months old. I wondered what kind of mother I would be by now. Ashley, Maddy’s mama, made everything look SO EASY! I wondered how Eva would look at me, how much she would weigh, how often she would smile, how vocal she would be, how many naps she would take each day, if I’d still be breastfeeding her and how changing her diaper would be. There are many things about mothering that I’m still very much looking forward to the next time around.🙏🏽😍💟
Maddy’s amazing mama, Ashley, and I met in our “Mamas y Bebes” class while we were both pregnant and we instantly became close friends.
“Ashley, thank you for all your amazing love and support. As a mama who was full of the same pregnancy hormones, you knew precisely how to (literally) hold my hand through planning and attending Eva’s funeral. Since then, you’ve been like a sister to me. I will always cherish how much detail and love you put into tailoring Eva’s Heaven dress so she’d look her best to be with God. Thank you so much!”
I first heard the phrase “Live Laugh Love” from my vivacious Aunt (Titi) Elaine. I believe every family has at least one Elaine, they are the life of the party. My Titi’s presence was truly like having a ray of sunshine shine on you; she was that breath of fresh air. My eyes are filling with tears this very moment remembering how we prematurely had to say “hasta luego” to her. She lost her courageous fight to pancreatic cancer 4 weeks ago and I still can’t believe it.
I lost an aunt, my mom lost a sister and my beloved cousin, Melissa, lost her mother. It hurts like Hell for me to accept so much sadness. Scripture tells us that encountering the valley of the shadow of death is inevitable. It isn’t something we could bypass, skip over or go around. At some season in our lives, we all must walk through this treacherous valley, and we shall not fear because God is with us. (Psalm 23:4) It is fantasy to expect a life without suffering.
Like most of us, my Titi was no stranger to suffering. In addition to battling pancreatic cancer, she was also a bereaved mother. Elaine’s youngest daughter, my beautiful cousin Danielle, joined our good Lord in Heaven when Dani was only 14 years old. That was 15 years ago! 🙏🏽💔 Thoughts of my Aunt’s incredible strength are what carried my broken soul the night I learned of Eva’s death. After Elaine heard about Eva, she sent me the most encouraging email based on her own painful experience. To sum it up she pretty much reassured me, “You got this!” And for those nights where the pain would become unbearable she reminded me that she would always be there for me.
“Selfishly I admit that I am broken and terrified to live without you, my Titi. Your bright light will never be replaced. When I imagine all the pain that you courageously endured, I am in awe. Where did your Heavenly strength come from? How did you always find a way to live boldy, laugh endlessly and love completely, despite all the pain in your heart? How are we to carry on without you?”
After leaving my Aunt’s funeral I challenged myself to go forward and shine my light, just as she always did. In a way, I feel called from God to turn my test into a testimony, as bravely as my Aunt did. He blessed me with her and now, in her absence, I feel compelled to step up to the plate.
I challenge you to also shine your light for the world to see. Never let anyone steal your joy. Live, laugh and love to the fullest, even when the going gets tough.
The inception of this site came to me about a month ago. My amazing cousin, Dominique, encouraged me one night to start journaling my unrelenting thoughts. I thought I was being doomed to a pen and paper but after much contemplation I realized how brilliant and loving her suggestion was. I have jotted many sporadic thoughts over the years, but nothing with a consistent theme where I was truly inspired to write. Travel forEva is dedicated to the memory of my daughter, Eva Jiselle, and is inspired through all my travel while working and for pleasure. Thank you to every single one of you reading this! Your amazing support through my heart-aching motherhood journey has been tremendous. I would not have come this far without you all. 🙏🏽❤
As you know, I am a bereaved mother. My beautiful, angelic, precious daughter was pronounced stillborn the night I thought I was in labor. My womb had been her home for 39 weeks and 6 days (1 day shy of her due date). Carrying her was the greatest joy I have EVER experienced, but losing her has been my deepest, darkest sorrow. It’s been over 6 months without her, and I still think about her every single day. The pain has been greater than any lost love before her and I will never be the same person.
Grief continues to carry me through the widest range of emotions. One moment I am comforted by God’s grace, the next I am steaming with rage. If ever there were a time in my life where I felt absolutely out of mind, this is certainly it. And amazingly, you all are still here by my side. God has blessed me in my darkest hour.
If this blog site is a success, I pray that my experiences and insight may, at the least, encourage you the same way many of you have encouraged me. It’s taken me about 6 months to truly accept my new reality. Although what I have been through is undeniably sad I am determined to “keep on keeping on” because I refuse to let sadness, disappointment, discouragement, heartache and self-pity win! Blogging is meant to be a tool to help me heal, but if my words could also bring positivity and light in your life, then I am honored and blessed.
With all that being said, a little disclaimer:
I am the author and editor of this site. There will be typos and grammatical errors, don’t judge me! It’s been over 10 years since I graduated from college. I apologize in advance if you find my words or content obscene. Try as I might, not all my emotions are processed well. This is meant to be like a journal, after all. And before I close out my very first blog, I need to shout a HUGE thank you to my incredible brother, Jonathan! I am smart, but not smart enough to code this beautiful site together. Jonathan and Jehu, you guys have offered me the greatest gift and I thank you from the bottom of my recovering heart. 💖
Travel forEva 